


Pardon Me

by Archangelsanonymous (ArchangelsAnonymous)



Series: Catharsis [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, During Canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Paranoia, cathartic writing, rebel kallus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:15:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25733455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchangelsAnonymous/pseuds/Archangelsanonymous
Summary: Kallus is given some information about what some of the base thinks of him.
Relationships: Alexsandr Kallus/Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios
Series: Catharsis [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/877638
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84





	Pardon Me

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah.  
> Guess Kal is my new character to project onto.

If there was one thing Alexsandr Kallus wasn’t was stupid. He knew that defecting was a double-edged sword. Not only was he not on the Empire’s “most wanted” list, but the only person that really trusted or even liked him being there was Zeb...and Chopper, he supposed. It didn’t seem to stop Mon Mothma from promoting him to captain, but he figured it was just some ploy to keep him from becoming a double agent or something. 

If he was honest, even with Zeb, Kallus felt increasingly lonelier as time went on. He had connected with a few people, but it all seemed so hollow. As he had learned from the Empire, words had little meaning. Anyone could say anything. Hells, Kallus himself had lied to Thrawn and Pryce for months. With as much good as he had done for the rebellion, asking questions and becoming Fulcrum had just made him paranoid. 

In several ways he was glad for it. He had learned where he was from and exactly how much the Empire was keeping from him. Not to mention, he now had Zeb. The lasat had proven himself time and time again, from helping him on Bahryn to liberating Lothal. Kallus trusted Zeb...at least as much as he  _ could _ trust someone. It was a lot more difficult with everyone else. 

Hera, Kanan, Sabine, and even Ezra had tried to be nicer to him since he defected. There was nothing Kallus blamed them for. He had spent years hunting them down and almost, Kallus preferred not to think about it, killing his partner on several occasions. It wasn’t shocking to find the Spectres chatting in one of the rec areas around base, laughing and joking as they slammed back drinks. Zeb had explained that he was always welcome to hang out with them and the Spectres had agreed along with him, but Kallus knew better. He tried to ignore it every time he walked by, but it was growing harder the more frequently it happened...and the less Zeb asked him to join them. It was clear they didn’t want him there. Logically, they had better things to talk about than him, but why else would they not invite him? 

Standard supply missions were by far the worst for Kallus. He usually didn’t go with, feeling he was better suited to stay with command. The Spectres picked up this habit of bringing back souvenirs and gifts from wherever they had been that run. Sometimes it would be for the whole base, or a certain crew or squadron, but a lot of the time it was for individuals. Kallus noticed he really only received anything when Zeb went. He never blamed the Spectres. They had people they cared about and he just wasn’t one of them. Plus, it wasn’t like they knew or understood that Kallus doubted everything. It wasn’t like he could go up to them and say that he could only measure trust and love through gifts and actions. He had already asked so much of them, taking him in and allowing him to work for the rebellion. Asking for anything else would just be selfish.

  
“I believe Antilles would be best to head up this mission, and take Mattin and Hobbe,” Kallus explained, reading from this data pad, then projecting the details of the scouting mission onto the holotable. Dodonna nodded and looked over at Hera.

“I think that seems acceptable,” Hera agreed, although there seemed to be a bit of irritation in her voice. “If that’s all?”

“Yes,” Mothma nodded. “You are all dismissed.” Kallus turned off his projection and turned around, only to find Zeb directly behind him.

“Zeb!” Kallus jumped, bringing a palm to his chest. “Stars, you’re too quiet sometimes.” He smiled at the sight of his partner, who provided a soft smile back.

“C’mon, I got to talk to yeh about somethin’,” Zeb said, immediately sending a cold chill down Kallus’ spine. Zeb noticed the human’s eyes widen and his posture stiffen, and he quickly grabbed one of his hands. “It’s okay! It’s not ‘bout us. We’re fine.”

Kallus immediately relaxed and sighed. “Our room?” Zeb nodded and they made their way into the large structure to find the quarters that they had been given upon arriving. Both still technically had their own rooms but Kallus spent most nights in Zeb’s. He still liked having his own room, but he also really liked waking up with purple fur and kisses on his face every morning. Once they reached the lasat’s room, Zeb opened the door and allowed Kallus to walk in first. The human set his data pad on the desk that only he used and took off the tan jacket he had worn to the meeting. He tossed it on the end of the bed, then sat down on the edge of the mattress, facing Zeb. “So, what is it?”

Zeb, as Kallus expected, reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, a common gesture when he was nervous. “It’s really not a big deal, and I don’t see it but…” He sat down next to Kallus and sighed. “Do yeh think you may be looking over some of the pilots when yeh assign missions?”

“Of course, I do,” Kallus replied. “I only want to send the best. The ones with the highest success rate and best performance.”

“I know that,” Zeb placed a hand on Kallus’ knee. “But...it’s been noticed that yeh seem to prefer human pilots. I know yeh spent a lot of time in the Empire so--”

“Are you suggesting…” Kallus stood up swiftly, walking across the room as he folded his arms in front of his chest. “Hells, Zeb, I’m in a relationship with you! How can I--”

Zeb stood up as well and walked over to Kallus, grabbing his upper arms to steady him. “I know yeh aren’t.”

“I can’t help it that the best pilots for the job are human!” Kallus continued to protest. “If Jamman hadn’t come back with a completely destroyed astromech, I would have sent him! Even Elar would have been a great choice, but she  _ always _ engages too fast. I can’t risk that.”

“Maybe jus’…” Zeb looked up, taking a chance to think. “Watch who yeh send on missions. It can be taken wrong.”

Kallus pulled away, feeling somewhat betrayed that Zeb had agreed enough with everyone to talk to him instead of fighting for him. “I refuse to sacrifice my strategy and this entire rebellion just because someone can’t get over me previously being an Imperial.” He walked to the door and opened it. “Remove me from command if it’s such an issue. I’ll understand.” He walked out even as Zeb called for him. 

There wasn’t far to go, the only place for him now being his room. Tears stung his eyes as he opened the door, then locked it behind him after walking in. Kallus looked up at the small collection of trinkets Zeb had brought back for him, right next to the yellow meteorite that they had found on Bahryn. He had sent it ahead in preparation of his defection, along with his old bo-rife that he had given back to Zeb. The sight of the gifts just reminded him more of the fact that Zeb was the only one on the base he could talk to. He covered his mouth with his palm as tears fell down his cheeks and over the back of his hand. It hit him that he was truly alone. The one person that Kallus trusted to always be on his side...wasn’t. 

The captain stared at his room, frozen in place, doing nothing to prevent all the negative thoughts he tried to keep at bay from infecting every inch of his mind. If they thought this about him, what else did they think? Would this be some sort of mark on him, like him being an ex-imp, that he’d never be rid of? How many “chances” did he have left? Kallus was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn’t hear Zeb come in the room. He was only aware when he was suddenly engulfed from behind by large, purple arms. 

“Lis’n to me,” Zeb demanded softly, his mouth right by Kallus’ ear. “I know ye’re thinking all sorts of terrible things in that head o’ yers.” Kallus nodded, letting more tears fall as he gripped Zeb’s arms tightly. “An’ I know hearing that didn’t help yeh.” The human closed his eyes, not sure if he wanted to pull Zeb closer or push him away. “Tha’s not what everyone thinks, though. A lot agree with me in thinkin’ ye’re the bravest of us all, spyin’ under Thrawn’s nose teh help a cause that was still broken.”

Zeb turned Kallus around in his arms and forced him to look at the lasat, eyes still red and cheeks still streaked with tear trails. “You saved us so many times,” he explained. “An’ yeh save me every time I look at yeh and am reminded o’ how lucky I am teh have yeh.”

Kallus scoffed a little and looked away. “Stop. You don’t need to humor me.” 

“Let me show yeh,” Zeb leaned down and kissed Kallus, licking the salt from his lips. The human immediately melted into the kiss, never able to resist the feel of Zeb’s lips on his own. The kiss deepened and Zeb held him closer, practically squeezing the negativity out of him. It wasn’t gone. Not nearly. But Zeb’s love would help heal him. Kallus was sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure I feel better after writing this.  
> At least I got it out. Some of it.


End file.
